To all of you Artists out there….. I want to share something sad with you and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Like many of you , I keep a sketchbook. I have a page devoted to it on this blog. I have 160 full books, I’m never without one . I wake up in the morning and draw in it and before I go to sleep at night I will lay in bed and draw in it. It’s my security blanket, it’s my rock , IT’S ME!
3 days ago I lost it. I lost my sketchbook! I had it and then I didn’t. I have never lost a sketchbook.. Once I misplaced one at a phone booth in a mall but as soon as I realized it I went back and thankfully it was still there. This is a first.I had it with me at the grocery store , must have left it in the grocery cart and didn’t notice I didn’t have it until I was going to go to bed and started looking for it No where to be found! I went back to the store to ask at the lost and found. Nothing. I came home. My husband went back to the store with me and crawled among the shopping carts both inside and out . Nothing. ( this is at 11:00 pm mind you) we came home , sat down and my husband proceeded to help me change all of my passwords that I had written in the back of this book , which, ironically I had spent the afternoon transferring from the now lost book into a new one because the lost one was just 4 pages away from being full. thank god I did that or I’d be totally screwed right now.
Once passwords were changed I could go to bed, midnight now….. where it all hit me . this is where I’d like to hear from you all. The loss, the emptiness, the sadness imagining all the drawings I had done now gone….. I cried and cried and cried till I felt sick.
Interestingly , this experience has been a great observation of people . My husband and my sister had first thoughts about the passwords being lost. I , of course, didn’t even think about the passwords… I was thinking of the drawings.
One friend who just recently lost her mother said I have to go through the stages of grief. Another friend commented on the fact that if someone has it who can see and know what this book is to someone they would never keep it . If they found it and saw all the passwords, tried them and then found none of them worked would they just toss it in the trash? Part of my heart and soul just tossed in the trash? Is it laying, in a pile of snow or a puddle somewhere ?
I’ve never had a pet and lost it. I don’t have any children. I haven’t had any “tragedies” happen to me but this event certainly feels like it’s right up there. Such a loss. Can any of you artists out there identify? There’s just something about the creative act that really is part of our very SELVES , intangible, selfish maybe, but without it we would all truly be lost.
I’ll get over this …. probably already almost there. I know that everytime I go to that grocery store I’ll ask at the lost and found. I know it will take me a little while to start a new sketchbook because there was no “closure” with the old one. As an artist , may I speak for us all? We ARE a little bit nuts aren’t we? thanks for letting me vent.